Thirteen Ways To Fake Scots Speak

Loch Marie and Ben Slioch, With No Particular Link To This Article

1. Be extremely patronizing about alcohol distilled from barley. It's not called scotch, or whiskey. It's called and often spelled Whisky, if ye know how to drop the “e.”. You should correct outsiders continuously, and, if the noun is written, chastise them upon wasting a vowel. Capitalization is appropriate.

2. Much like most USA'ns, Scots do not say “do not want to.” Yanks say “doughnwanna.” The Scots say “dinna.” This is a wonderful opportunity to advance your resistance to something. She dinna wan to see yer gob agin. I dinna wan to sit by Robert, that feckless shite.

3. Leading on, use the word “shite” instead of guff, coddswaddle, pork, bull, bare-faced lie, prevarication, alternative fact, fable, myth, tall tale, fake news, or crap (literal and metaphoric).

4. Like “dinna,” “can't” is similarly modified into “canna.”

5. “Isn't it?” is always “Innit?”

6. “It” can frequently be modified into another preposition, to whit “she.” Oh, aye, she'll soon be dark.

7. Convert some “y” constructions to “aa” or “uh.” Example: my becomes maa. By becomes buh. Example: Bye all that's holy is spoken as bu aa tha's holy.

8. Use the word brae (“bra”) frequently. Exception: discussions about lingerie. The word means fine, good, or not raining.

9. T's, l's, and d's at the end of words are optional, and can be hoarded up into yer wee pocket fer later.

10. The vowels oo become ea. You is yea, Do is dea (The phrase “Do you ever” switches to “dea yea iver”).

11. Down is doon. Dawn is also doon. Town is toon. House is hoos. Around is a'roon.

12. Substitute the word “no” for all not's. “She'll no be havin anythin to do with the likes of yew.”

13. Use the phrase “Tha's me, then” as often as credible, especially if walking away, or if dying.