Cosmo’s Acid Test: Scott Archer Jones

Feel like the Hottest Couple in Town? Life's sweet, but will it last? You've scribbled down a list of your offsets, the rough that complements smooth, the passive that correlates with the pugnacious. You two resemble a folded inkblot. Delve deeper – we have just the guide. Choose the answer that most suits your personality – and watch your lovie's psyche unfold.

My idea of nature is

1. Watching Blue Planet II on TV

2. Weeding the front flower beds

3. Biking on the boardwalk

4. Hiking up to a scenic lake

5. Sleeping in an eight ounce hammock suspended off Devil's Tower

My idea of a job well done is

1. Putting away the folded laundry

2. Supporting Public television by buying Dr. Blake DVDs

3. Finishing a law degree started in prison

4. Raising five children

5. Planning and executing the perfect murder

Conspiracy theories turn out to be

1. Either wrong, lies, or bad science

2. Sometimes true if about politics

3. Mostly true if about capitalism and corporations

4. Always true if about the CIA and the FBI

5. All about covering up the real conspiracies

Crimes I find acceptable are

1. Jaywalking

2. Driving four miles an hour over the speed limit

3. Cheating on my taxes

4. Cheating on my partner

5. Committing genocide in Africa

My ideal Saturday morning is

1. A rainy day, bagels and lox, pajamas, and the New York Times

2. Clearing out an old barn for a future workshop

3. Catching up on paperwork in preparation for taxes

4. An extended session of flagellistic sex

5. Burning down the gates of Valhalla to sack and pillage the Gods

The person I love lives

1. In a one-bedroom efficiency

2. In a single-wide trailer

3. In the Hamptons

4. In my gatehouse, hovered out on the edge of the Downs

5. In the iron bowels of the earth, watched over by the Sumerian gods of death

The greatest technical mystery to me in the world is

1. The thermos bottle

2. My iPad

3. DNA's role in shaping all animate life

4. Light's duality as both a wave and a particle

5. The Eighteen Hidden Dimensions of the Illuminati

I would rather possess

1. A good reputation

2. A house that is perfect for me

3. A million dollars

4. Immortality

5. Insidious control over the minds of a million people

I prefer in a mate

1. A compliant, gentle partner

2. A strong partner that will provide for me

3. An independent, thoughtful partner eager to dialogue with me

4. A partner who belongs to the Merchant Marine and is never home

5. A partner with superhero powers who is not too smart and always aroused

I prefer the following foods the most

1. Simple hamburger and fries

2. Traditional foods like Thanksgiving turkey

3. Ethnically diverse food, with strange and challenging spices

4. Live four-ounce grubs

5. The snake that eats its own tail

I know I am

1. Male

2. Female

3. Nongender conforming

4. Changeable

5. A new form of being as yet undocumented

The truth is

1. All of the above

2. None of the above

3. All points in between